Thursday, October 15, 2009

You're Going to Suck Somebody's Blood Out -- When Vampirism Stopped Being Funny

“I like to think we live forever in some form.”

“What, like a zombie? You want to feast on the flesh of men? Because I hear women do that already.”

“Someone’s bitter.”

I came across the blog I Shoulda Been a Stripper by the pseudonymous Chrissy Starr. Her brain candy blog is a boon for typical comic-book reading fare: you know, lonely overweight guys with poor social skills who spend too much time playing video games and blogging – and, um – people who that doesn’t describe at all, like me. In her latest installment, Chrissy recounts a television program about real-world vampires and their habits. I wanted to share my inner monologue as I was reading Miss Starr's self-reflective vampire post.


Here are some of the characteristics of vampires that I think I might possess.

1) They have inverted circadian rhythms; the internal clock that regulates biological processes in a 24 hour period. They're usually known as "night owls".

Chrissy: Check

Me: I have been known to stay up late and fight insomnia (written at 1:27 a.m.).

2) They are unpredictable, moody, temperamental and overwhelming.

Chrissy: Check.
And Check.

Me: So I can get emotional sometimes. Nobody’s perfect.

3) Some real vampires are attracted to blood and find different means for attaining it. Well, I don't like blood, per se, but I'm always up for a Bloody Mary.

Chrissy: Check.

Me: Cheers.

4) They're photosensitive and sunburn easily. Next to Nicole Kidman, I am THE most Caucasian person you will ever meet.

Chrissy: Check.

Me: I am pretty pasty. Sunblock SPF 50 over here, go’vner.

5) Their relationships tend to be disasters because of their self-centered natures. See blog.

Chrissy: CHECK.

Me: If that’s true – and I’m not saying it is – but if that’s true, I think that’s more the fault of being raised an only child.

6) They may go through jobs and lovers like Kleenex.

Chrissy: Check.

Me: Okay, this shit ain’t funny anymore.

7) They have a talent for attracting attention.

Chrissy: Check.

Me: …


So, maybe I need to be a little less critical of Twilight readers in the future.

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